Every night this week I have come home and fallen asleep. Only to wake up at 6, grumpy, sluggish, raging, absolutely lost in some horrible state of mind. I can't describe it. Putting this rage into words would never fully explain it. It starts with "Why am I asleep in the middle of the day alone at home?" Then turns to horrible memories of my parents fighting. My mom just keeps yelling and yelling at my dad, no matter how hard I scream for her to stop. She just won't. So I kick in a wall. Then I end up thinking about the horrible state of the world and how much needs to change. And how much I want it to change, but how afraid I am that I won't be able to cope. Then I get mad at myself for not thinking of how to save the world. Which is ridiculous to blame myself for not saving the world. But then I hate myself for worrying about how I me me me I will cope with what the world becomes. Then I look around at the mess of my apartment and freak out and start to rage at Oscar. But really, I am so goddamn tired of empty oil bottles (how long now?) The dirty clothes, the litter box, the dishes. And I've asked a million times. but nothing. He doesn't seem to get that his ennui affects me.

And now I'm paralyzed, writing things I'm sure I'll regret because, despite the fact that very few people read this, it is public. I need to eat. I want Chinese, but Chinese alone at 8:30 is only the saddest thing in the world. I need to be okay with my time alone in the evenings. It's just the way things are. I'm alone when I get home. I can be okay with this. But not right now. I'm paralyzed. So I do not take advantage of it. I could totally use it. I would love it. But I don't. And I hate myself again. It took me half an hour to write myself down off the ledge. I still can't go pick up my chinese because my eyes are blotchy and swollen.

On a different note, I'm falling into a vegetarian habit. Not on purpose. It's just happening. But I always get General Tso's chicken when I get Chinese. And I'm afraid my stomach will hurt from it.

I've sufficiently distracted myself now.