I am sometimes quite impatient. Right now, I have negative patience. I can feel it in my head. Like there's a missing layer and two facets of my brain are rubbing against each other. I'm ready to throw my computer mouse. Slam it down. Absolutely demolish it. My shoulders are so tight--contorted, gnarled, a tree growing through a dilapidated porch and around the roof.

So I called O. I don't know why. It seemed like the thing to do. But he was running late, and ironically, had not patience for me. I'm throwing all my insecurities at him lately. All his frustrations are my fault. I can't read his sarcasm. I assume that everything I scold myself for is blatantly visible and he's poking everything I've been picking. But apparently not. I hate that I think he's judging me. If he is, that sucks. If he isn't, I'm totally crazy. I tend to think he's not, but I need to figure out a way to make myself realize that he's not annoyed at the pile of clean clothes between my closet and the bed. I wish he would be annoyed, though. Then I wouldn't feel so bad about being annoyed at the pile of clean? clothes on his dresser. I just want to get the apartment clean. Its messiness is tiring. I'm trying, but I have no discipline and no training in the efficient running of a household. It takes me an hour to do dishes. And I can't chop for shit. I have all these recipes that say 10 minutes prep. But it takes me twenty to chop everything. I'm going to take a cutting class at the local cooking school in April. goddammit! I am. I pile when I clean. I have to create steps. I can't just randomly pick stuff up. No. I have to get a hamper to carry all the shoes from the living room to the bedroom. But the hamper is full of clothes, so I have to sort the clothes and put them away. But somewhere in there I decide the kitchen table really needs to be cleared, so I throw all of my small things that are lying around into the hamper, which means the shoes are still all over the living room and now I need to sort my shit out of the hamper again. Why can't I just put things away as I come across them. Today is kick the shit out of myself day. Edward Norton, much? I hate that movie. I'm being totally erratic, now, but I feel a million times better and am ready for the rest of my day. I think the two layers of my brain have even stopped rubbing together.