Employment opportunities? Anyone?

Let me tell you a little secret. I don't really want to work. Well, I do, but not at any of the jobs I've seen. I have no financial or computer science training...and that seems to be what people are after. Also, I don't know Word, Excel, Access or Outlook as well as I think I should. But I can look it up. I can figure it out. I don't think I can type enough words per minute. I haven't found any graphic design jobs, plus my portfolio is in pieces. I also hate the whole portfolio process. When you get down to it, you're just showing people samples of what you do, while trying to charm the fuck out of them. Why does it have to be some big blown up ordeal. I hate dealing with people. I can't tell them what they want to hear. I'm awkward and pretty much always look like I'm lying. Atleast that's what it feels like. But, once I'm comfortable, I'm golden. And also, as you can tell, I lack confidence. But if you ask any of my previous employers, they'll tell you I'm organized, friendly, punctual, intelligent, obedient yet self-motivated, I'm really the perfect employee, once I get going. I was once told I was worth my weight in gold. Based on the price of gold as of now ($658/oz), I am worth approximately $1.5 million. The job I'm really interested in is a silkscreen tech. I'd really just like to do manual labor in a field that is technically related to printmaking. I really just need to send out my resume to every employer in Bloomington. Right? Arg.
I did apply at the silkscreen place. They had a page called "Written Interview." Pretty self-explanatory. One question asked if my previous employers would say I was punctual and why. Well, yes I was punctual and they would say that because uhh, I was always on time. They also asked if I had ever lost anything by doing the right thing, and I have to tell you, my answer was effing brilliant. I told them that I didn't know if I'd ever lost anything by doing the right thing because I don't really consider loss or gain when deciding between right and wrong. And I'm actually not lying, but I sat there for a few minutes trying to think if I'd ever turned in somebody's lost thousand bucks to the cops. I haven't because I've never found $1000.